I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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