I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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