I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
