So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
