She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
