and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
