I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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