I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
