the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
