I'm eating all of the evidence.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
