Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
