Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
