Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
