I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
