I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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