Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
where am i from again
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
