Don't make out with my wife yet
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
