I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
