i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
