...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
