No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
