"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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