I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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