So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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