The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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