he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
