Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
