I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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