I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
How external is "for external use only"?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
