There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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