i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
porn star boner night. come get it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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