Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
