my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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