Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
