There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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