I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
