I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize