I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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