My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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