I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Randomize