I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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