I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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