420 ftw
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
