got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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