he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
