The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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