He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
