Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
