Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
