2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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