What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize