There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
