Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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