I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
