our cab driver is having phone sex.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize