Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
