i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
