Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize