I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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