so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
