Acid is not a monday night drug
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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