i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
